Quotable quotes!

So while I was faithfully revising my Biology textbook this afternoon, I decided to pull open the drawers of the dinner table in my living room to satisfy my curiousity.

Interestingly, I found a book.

Things that makes us Singaporean.

Supposedly it is a collection of random quotes from Singaporeans about what truly defines a Singaporean and what makes Singapore, er, Singapore? I have no idea who is it by, but most likely a collective effort between Singaporeans and the government.

Not that I'm complaining, some of the quotes inside are pretty hilarious. Others are pretty intelligent. But the vast majority of the quotes seem to place emphasis on what we Singaporeans are supposed to be proud about.

If you're Singaporean and you're reading this, you know what I'm talking about. Racial harmony, that Singapore is supposed to be "clean and green" and the like. *Cough* Propaganda *Cough*. Go figure.

All right. As stated above, most of the quotes aren't really that worth your time. But I'll quote those which I feel are more interesting (Pardon me, I didn't take the time to include the names of the people who said the following):

Referee kayu, kelong half ball - these are the things that Singaporeans talk about when we mention football.

Never see chewing gum for more than 10 years.

It's the way we speak English, a second language and also Singlish, lor.

Laughing at a man with a pair of yellow boots with curly hair.

TEN THINGS THAT MAKE US SINGAPOREAN

1. We use too many acronyms and keep coming up with new ones.
2. We think that $100000 is a reasonable price for a Toyota Coroll, and $1000000 is a reasonable price for a bungalow, but $5 for a plate of noodles is a barbarous outrage.
3. We think that everything should be 'topped up'.
4. We wear winter clothes indoors and summer clothes outdoors.
5. In a country where people use smart cards for public transit, we have no problems with construction workers riding in the open backs of pickup trucks.
6. We're not ashamed that the government needs to care if we know how to use a toilet or urinal correctly.
7. We're sure that the best way to change social behaviour is through consistent and comprehensive government-sponsored campaigns that permeate as many aspects of life as possible. And if they don't work, we never speak of them again.
8. We think a bus is incomplete without a TV.
9. Every task we take on and every group we form is incomplete without a mission statement and a cheesy slogan.
10. We understand everything on this list.

We complain loudly when subjected to inconveniences but are willing to stand like penguins for hours for freebies.

English, Chinese, not so good.
Maths and Science, good, good, good.

I am Singaporean because I know our government is clean like the streets.

August 9th, 1965.

This post is rather lame, but I have the sudden urge to quote the super funny Mitch Hedberg as well after rewatching his standups.

I went to a pizzeria and I ordered a slice of pizza; the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know? I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you... and feed you a leaf."

A dog is forever in the push-up position.

You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"?

You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'

I like waffles better than pancakes. Because waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. They say to syrup, "You ain't going anywhere, don't even be trying to creep down the sides. Just rest in these squares, if one square is full, move to the next one. When you hit butter, split up."

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door; it says, "Do not disturb." It's time to go with "Don't disturb." It's been "do not" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Don't Disturb." "Do not" psyches you out. "'Do', alright! I get to disturb this guy! 'Not'... Shit!!... I need to read faster!" I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey, how ya doin', nephew?" "Knock knock!" "Read the sign, punk!"

I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo...' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" "Do you keep my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings?" Liar! My fan fuckin' lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit!"

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you do that? Let me see that camera."

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause in there."

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "Fuck that. I'll just get a tan instead."

Classic.